Thriving Beyond Life

My friend Gretchen (not her real name) was thriving beyond midlife.  A widow, she relocated a few years after her husband died to a warmer climate.  A nurse by training, she worked in hospice and started her own business.

The business was struggling for several years but last year things started to gel and the business was succeeding.  Her success was enough for her to plan her trip of lifetime, a bucket list item: a tour of the Holy Land.  I was with her in February when she excitedly described her upcoming trip to Israel.  I wrote a prayer on a piece of paper and asked her to put it in the Wailing Wall, a Jewish custom that is observed by tourists of all religions.

Having experienced death first hand from her hospice work, Gretchen was smart enough to have a health care directive, a living will and power of attorney as part of her financial plan.  She was also smart enough to transfer the risks of travel to an insurance company when she booked her trip to Israel.

On her first day in Tel Aviv, Gretchen was hospitalized with a deep brain aneurysm.  The surgeons stopped the bleed and relieved the pressure but the damage had been done.  She had extensive brain damage that left her in a coma and on a ventilator.

The Israeli hospital did not recognize her living will/health care directive when it was presented.  She was not an Israeli citizen and the documents were American.  A week after surgery, the travel insurance company arranged for her transport by medical jet back to the U.S. It took three days to make the arrangements, have the Israeli doctor agree that she could be transported and settle the bill before discharge.

In the meantime, her niece exercised her power of attorney and started to manage Gretchen’s personal and business finances.

It was a twenty-plus hour flight from Tel Aviv to the United States in small Lear jet.  Her niece and sister admitted her to the hospital presenting the records from Israel and the living will.  The following day the ventilator was removed in accordance with Gretchen’s written wishes.  She died within the hour.

One of her directives was for organ donation.  Gretchen will be around for a while, helping others to thrive.

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How Will You Live?

The last section of Thriving Beyond Midlife, How Will You Live?, concerns itself with thriving even while dealing with the declining personal resources and frailty that come with advanced age.

Researchers found that 30% of seniors over age 73 were most satisfied with the present time in their lives. These are the seniors who adapted to aging and frailty through selection, optimization and compensation.

Selection is choosing to do what you can; optimization is doing it as well as you can; compensation is finding alternate ways of getting it done.  The thirty percent are able to focus on the positive, ignore the pain, and be willing to change.  By thriving these thirty percent inspire their peers and alleviate the psychological and spiritual pain that often comes with old age and frailty.

Life cannot be controlled and it does not have to be controlling if you can learn to dance with life either as leader or follower.  MacBean’s and Simmons’ prescription for thriving is to express yourself and embrace others in the four domains of body, mind, heart and soul.

The thrivers are comfortable with their bodies no matter what their age.  They have learned to love their bodies by adjusting their attitudes and their exercises to compensate for the shape they are in.

The thrivers exercise their minds.  They have mental strength and flexibility.  They have goals.  They live in the present but do not ignore the future.  Thrivers know that a willingness to forgive keeps relationships alive and current and not stuck in the past of old hurts.  Thrivers have values that never change.

Thrivers with heart love their family, friends and community.  Thrivers have the  emotional agility to accept themselves as they are.  Thrivers know that the longer they live they will experience the deaths of family members and friends. Their emotional agility allows them to go on with life and make new friends while remembering the old.

Finally, thrivers are spiritual beings, not necessarily religious, but aware of the mystery of life.  Thrivers know that the spirit transcends death and are at peace with dying when the time comes.

Let me end this with a few lines from T. S. Eliot that are quoted in the book:

Love is most nearly itself
When here and now cease to matter.
Old men ought to be explorers
Here and there does not matter
We must be still and still moving
Into another intensity
For a further union, a deeper communion…
In my end is the beginning.

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How Will You Pay For It?

Last week I wrote about one of my favorite reality books, Thriving Beyond Midlife by Craig MacBean and Henry Simmons. I described the “Where Will You Live?” section and promised to review part four, “How Will You Live?”.  I must digress however because Sunday’s Newark Star-Ledger had an advice column about retirement finances.  The author advised new asset allocations and legal documents such as a will, power of attorney and living will for the retired couple seeking advice.  Here’s what MacBean and Simmons have to say about “How Will You Pay For It?”.

To thrive beyond midlife, you need to anticipate and prepare for economic reality, that is, having enough money to satisfy your living needs and frailty care.  MacBean and Simmons pose four questions for their discussion:

  1. When you stop working what will you live on?
  2. How will you pay for acute medical care and chronic drug therapies?
  3. How will you pay for frailty care?
  4. What will happen to what you have and to anyone who depends on what you have when you die?

The answer to question 1 requires honest answers to a lot of questions.  The broad subject here is Retirement Income Planning. Financial professionals have always advised about the accumulation of funds for some far off retirement day.

There are a myriad of choices for retirement savings, from the sublime of a 401(k) plan to the ridiculous of the piggy bank; the reality is that savings is vital to thriving after midlife.  The second reality is how to take distributions from savings so that there is enough to live on and enough to answer questions 2 and 3.

To answer question 2, the authors point out that Medicare is there for acute illness rather than chronic conditions; and that Medicaid is designed for the indigent minority who have nothing and are frail.  They recommend supplementary health insurance to back up Medicare.

The authors suggest transferring the risk associated with frailty care to an insurance company by purchasing Long Term Care Insurance and devote a whole chapter to the subject.  Since 2006, when Thriving Beyond Midlife was published, several major insurance carriers who sold Long Term Care Insurance have withdrawn from the market.    With fewer carriers, retirees will have to look to their own resources for frailty care.  Start saving more or spending less.

The answer to question 4 revolves around estate planning.  Here is where you need the legal documents mentioned in the newspaper column and correct beneficiary designations for disposition of assets as you wish.

If you don’t have a will, the state has one for you.  It is the mandatory distribution of assets owned solely by a person at the time of death.  Distributions from retirement plans, insurance policies and even brokerage accounts are controlled by the beneficiary designation that is in the contract.

Many a widow has been disappointed and disturbed to learn that her husband’s ex-wife will receive his life insurance proceeds because he never changed beneficiary designation.  Post mortem estate planning rarely goes well.

So next time, I’ll take a look at “How Do You Live?”

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It is not what you say, it is how you say it, if you say it at all

The Australia School of Business, as part of the University of New South Wales, publishes a newsletter as part of the Knowledge @ Wharton network.  Here is a link to a current article that will fulfill your Professional Wednesday responsibilities: http://knowledge.asb.unsw.edu.au/article.cfm?articleId=1563.

The topic is communications or lack thereof in a person-to-person relationship.  Managers and executives are hiding behind email messages to avoid the one-on-one of personal communication.  It doesn’t matter if it is bad new or good news, sending an email that is grammatically correct and spell-checked is the weasel way out of talking to a subordinate, in person or on the phone.

I see an opportunity here for consultants specializing in communications.

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Where Will You Live?

One of my favorite reality books is Thriving Beyond Midlife by Craig MacBean and Henry Simmons.  The authors take an unconventional approach to aging and retirement.  It is not a book about money and the financial side of retirement.  It is a book that asks important questions and provides guidance for the future of retirees.

Section one sets the stage with a discussion of the attitudes toward aging and retirement.  Section two takes on the question of “Where Will We Live”; section three delves into “How Will We Pay for It” and section four concludes with “How Will We Live?”

The “Where Will You Live” question has been on my mind since I plan to relocate to Summerville, South Carolina.  MacBean and Simmons propose five answers to the “Where Will You Live” question: Home Sweet Home, The Family Plan, The Lifestyle Resort, The New Frontier and Progressive Retreat.

Home Sweet Home is the plan that keeps you in your current residence forever.  You will be dragged kicking and screaming into the nursing home or carried out with your boots on.  Come hell or high water you are not leaving your home.

The Family Plan has you moving in with the “kids”, whether they know it or not.  The assumption here is that son & daughter-in-law or daughter and son-in-law will willingly give up one of their bedrooms and their lifestyle to take in mom and/or dad when they can no longer fend for themselves.  No one usually talks about this since everything is assumed, and you know what that means.

The LifeStyle Resort has you moving into a community of folks just like yourself.  The amenities, like clubhouse, trips and community restaurant are included in the buy-in fee and monthly dues.  With the resort style you move along with your cohort from activity, to nursing care section, to dementia wing.  Bring your money.

The New Frontier is a community of like-minded friends and/or family who join together to build a community from scratch: buy the land,  build the houses, and live together as one big happy family.  Everyone contributes to the New Frontier.  Bring your clogs,  tye-dyed shirts and guitar.

Progressive Retreat is the thinking person’s approach to the future. There is a recognition of the inevitable and a strategy to deal with it.   You plan for the time to leave home-sweet-home for assisted living and know what it will take to get you into the nursing home where you can await the grim reaper.  Moving in with the kids is never an option.

More on “How Do We Live” next week.

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“Retired?” “No, I’m a self-employed musician.”

Guest blogger is John Newell from Lubec, Maine

I heard a new term on the radio this morning: encore career. I’m very fortunate that my encore career is the one that I stepped out of on June 1, 1985. That’s the day I began as an agent for Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company. It was the beginning of my second career in the insurance industry (a logical move for a “highly educated” classical musician with a family, mortgage and little shot at a tenure track position).

I stepped back into my first career on June 17, 2011 (officially July 1, but we couldn’t wait to get to our new home in Lubec… very Down East Maine). Got here on June 18 with the movers, and on June 20 I was at the piano, beginning rehearsals of the chorus for the annual Blueberry Festival musical production.

At the July 4th parade (also celebrating Lubec’s 200th anniversary) I met Bruce Potterton, founder and director of the wonderful Summerkeys music program for adults. He was in the parade, there was a pause, and he came over to meet me; they needed an accompanist for the student recitals. I was instantly busy during the day and was getting paid. I really enjoyed making lunch, putting it in my son’s old insulated lunch bag, taking it downtown and having my sandwich and fruit in between rehearsals.

As I heard recently from a friend in town, “there’s no shortage of work here, if you’re not particular about what you do.” That’s been the case for me. In the fall I started as the regular musician (keyboards and occasional choir directing) at St. Aidan’s Episcopal Church, a small but wonderful congregation. We were going to go there anyway. Then I started singing with a local chorale, played harpsichord for the local community orchestra concert in November, and now am teaching piano and just finished leading a music reading class at the local Community Learning Center. Two weeks ago I performed my first solo piano concert since summer of 1985 at the local library.

What is all this activity — some planned, some unplanned — about? In large part of course, to make contacts with other local musicians, to support community organizations. At home, besides practicing piano, taking care of the old house and working on my web site, I indulge in my specialty, composing music.

I’m learning a lot, and doing things that truly matter to me. But it’s been a whirlwind, and sometimes I feel as stressed as I felt in the “beige desert cubicle” that I left last June (no reflection on my company — a terrific organization). I need a vacation. Why? Am I not in control now?  Perhaps not. Perhaps I’m a bit obsessed with making up for lost time? Perhaps I’m just on auto-pilot (as one easily can get in typical work environment) and it hasn’t turned off? In short, my mind-clutter is more obvious to me than ever.

Trying to be kind to myself, I think I am simply in the midst of a very important transition process, one which may take some time. What do I think that I’m having to learn?

Not try to do too much in one day, instead of regretting what hasn’t been done.
Take time to pay attention and relearn focus.  
Take time for reading (my book list is growing), reflection, even actually listening to music.
Take care of the body and soul, as well as “mind” that focuses on what I think I should be doing.
Develop a sense of proportion: value the small things (they are as important at the “oh-so-big” things, no?).
Be patient with myself.
Try something I haven’t done before.

I hope that each one who reads this finds an encore career (however you want to say it) that is both fulfilling to you and contributes to the well-being of those around you.

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Check out John’s web sites:  johnnewellmusic.com and jnmusic.blogspot.com.

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True Story

The 1920′s

An Irish Catholic unwed mother gives up her baby boy and he is put in foster care in New York City. An Irish Catholic family, he is NYC cop and she is a homemaker, raise Christopher with the “spare the rod and spoil the child” parenting method of the day.

The 1940′s

World War II is about to break out and Christopher meets the girl of his dreams, Kathleen, while he is delivering groceries to her mom.  Her dad and his are against the relationship.  Her mom is for it.  In the few days they have together before he ships out to Europe in 1942, she gets pregnant.  In 1944 he is in Italy fighting to take back The Benedictine Abbey of Monte Cassino when an errant letter from Kathleen’s mother finally reaches him.  Kathleen had a boy but she died in childbirth.  The boy was given up for adoption.

Christopher returns from the war and tries to find Kathleen’s parents and his son.  They have moved and left no forwarding address.  They have disappeared.  There is no trace of his son.  Christopher felt God’s call in Italy and applies to the Cistercian Order of Monks, The Trappists.  He is accepted into the order and becomes part of the brotherhood in  Abbey of Gethsemani in Kentucky.  As a monk he is as ornery as he was a sergeant in the Army. He goes by the rules. Everything is black and white, no gray.  The man is super critical of everyone and everything and never lets anyone get close to him.

A Good Woman

When Kathleen’s son was given to Catholic Charities to arrange an adoption, Kathleen’s mother made it clear that if her grandson ever tried to find out the identity of his birth parents or grandparents, they were to provide a name and address. Dick Ryan came to New York City to be treated for cancer in 1990. While there he searched Catholic Charities for his birth parents. They gave him his grandmother’s name and current address: a nursing home in Westchester.

When Dick visited his grandmother he found that she had Alzheimer’s disease and did not have long to live. When she saw him, she greeted him with, “Christopher, I am so glad you came back for Kathleen. I thought you were going to be a monk.” She rambled on about monks and Christopher and a baby.

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

The Trappists are debating about opening their retreat house, next to the Abbey, to women.  Christopher is the leader of the opposition.  Women do not belong in the retreat house, it is against the rules.  The majority vote to allow women at the retreat house. The first women’s retreat is for coeds from a Catholic College in Kentucky. 

Christopher is in the church wrestling with his own demons when he can’t help but notice someone crying in one of the front pews.  Never one to reach out to others, Christopher is drawn to the sobbing. “I am praying to God to save my father from cancer.  I am afraid he will die.”  When he offers consolation to this woman, she looks up to discover that Christopher is the spitting, but older image, of her father, Dick Ryan.  Christopher is even more surprised to see the face of the Kathleen he loved and lost in 1942.

When Dick called his daughter with the news about his grandmother and a monk, she described her experience at Gethsemani and how she met her grandfather.

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Credit

This true story is part of The Voices of Silence – Lives of the Trappists Today written by my friend Frank Bianco in 1991.  There is more to the story than I captured above and the names have been changed to protect privacy.

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Piggy Banks May be Back in Style

Saving more or saving less?  Retired folks usually describe themselves as being on a fixed-income.  Usually, it is the three-legged retirement stool: Social Security, personal savings and a pension.  Sometimes that third leg is not a fixed pension benefit, but distributions from a 401(k) plan or an IRA account.

Former Presidential adviser, Barry Bosworth of the Brookings Institute has written A Decline in Saving: A Threat to America’s Prosperity.  The Financial Security Project at Boston College has posted a brief video of Bosworth expounding in his work.

If I’m hearing Bosworth right, he is saying that retirees better start saving again because their future may become a little lean. Listen for yourself at the FSP.BC.EDU website.

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True or False?

Someone sent this story to me in one of those pass along emails.  You know the ones that an endless list of addresses? At the end the sender suggested: Warm someone’s heart today. . . pass this along. I love this story so very much, I cry every time I read it. Just try to make a difference in someone’s life today…. Just ‘do it’.

Read it to the end and decide if you think it is true or false.

==================================================================

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth.  Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same.  However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant.  It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then putting a big ‘F’ at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last.  However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh.  He does his work neatly and has good manners…he is a joy to be around.

His second grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.’

His third grade teacher wrote, ‘His mother’s death has been hard on him.  He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.’

Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school.  He doesn’t have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.’

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself.  She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s.  His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag.  Mrs.. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents.  Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume..  But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist.  Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, ‘Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.’

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour.  On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic.  Instead, she began to teach children.  Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy.  As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive.  The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded.  By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her ‘teacher’s pets..’

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy.  He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors.  He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came.  This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further.  The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had..  But now his name was a little longer.  The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there.  You see, there was yet another letter that spring.
Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married.  He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom.  Of course, Mrs. Thompson did.  And guess what?  She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s ear, ‘Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me.  Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.’

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.  She said, ‘Teddy, you have it all wrong.  You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference.  I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.’

(For you who don’t know, Teddy Stoddard is the Doctor at Iowa Methodist in

  Des Moines  that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.

==================================================================

It did bring a tear to my eye and then I thought, let’s check out this Dr. Stoddard in Des Moines.  There is a John Stoddard Cancer Clinic in Des Moines but there is no Dr. Stoddard.  The whole story is just that, a work of fiction that was written over twenty years ago and actually appeared in one of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books.  Some creative type out there in cyber space took the liberty of a little rewrite to add the part about the Stoddard Clinic in Des Moines.  For the full truth and nothing but the truth check out the Snopes web site.

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Economics Lesson

The Mensch had an economics lesson in gasoline supply and demand on his recent motoring trip to the southeast. I logged almost 3100 miles burning over 100 gallons of fuel. The sojourn took us to North Carolina, Tennessee, Georgia, South Carolina, Delaware, Maryland, and Virginia.

Before I left New Jersey, I filled the tank at $3.349 per gallon. Actually, the station attendant filled the tank.  New Jersey is the last or next to last bastion of service stations where an attendant is required to fill the tank.  Thank goodness for that.

I filled up in Virginia and almost gagged at the price and at the fumes coming off the nozzle.  North Carolina was worse than Virginia and Tennessee was just as bad. South Carolina had lower prices but Florida had the highest fuel prices of all the states I visited. Over $3.649 per gallon in and around Daytona. I did not buy fuel in Florida.

Let’s play mix and match. Match the state with the gasoline price.

Column A                            Column B

Georgia 1                             $3.629

Georgia 2                            $3.499

North Carolina                  $ 3.450

South Carolina                   $3.369

Virginia                                $3.529

 

The answers are:

3.629 in NC

3.499 in GA1

3.459 in VA

3.369 in SC

3.529 in GA2.

The GA1 stop was in Brunswick on our way to Florida from South Carolina. The GA2 stop was in Pooler right across the Florida line where the car thanked me for refueling it on the way north.

I have to admit I remembered too late that my AAA membership provides an app that lets me search for fuel prices on-line.  I did some searching on the way home but since we were confined to fueling near I-95, the best prices were several miles east or west. Near I-95 the differences between service stations were a penny or two.

The really scary prices were for diesel fuel: almost $5 a gallon. Glad I wasn’t driving my 18-wheeler.

Back in New Jersey after two weeks plus on the road, the fuel price was now $3.399. Today, February 27, the lowest price near me is $3.499, still a bargain and I don’t have to fill the tank myself.

If the Mensch does have to find a part-time job in retirement, it will be as an attendant in a non-New Jersey service station where all I have to do is collect the cash from the folks who don’t have credit cards.

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